What Are the Signs of Narcissistic Abuse?

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely disoriented? You started with a concern—something real, something valid—but somehow, you ended up apologizing.

Or maybe you’ve been in a relationship that leaves you exhausted, doubting yourself, and constantly trying to “fix” things, even though deep down, you know something isn’t right.

That’s what narcissistic abuse does. It doesn’t always show up as yelling or obvious cruelty. Sometimes, it’s the slow unraveling of your confidence. The erosion of your sense of self. The way you start explaining yourself more, apologizing more, and trusting yourself less.

If any of that sounds familiar, let’s talk about what might be happening.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse happens when someone—whether a romantic partner, family member, friend, or even a boss—uses manipulation, control, and emotional tactics to keep power over you. It’s confusing. It’s disorienting. And often, by the time you realize what’s happening, the damage is already deep.

Not every narcissist is a calculated mastermind. Some don’t even realize what they’re doing. But that doesn’t change the impact. The result is the same: you feel drained, anxious, and like no matter what you do, it’s never enough.

Let’s break down some of the biggest red flags.

Common Signs of Narcissistic Abuse

1. Gaslighting: The Mind Game That Makes You Question Everything

You remember something one way, but they swear it didn’t happen. Or they say something cruel, and when you bring it up later, they laugh.

"I never said that. You must be imagining things."

"Wow, you’re so sensitive."

"That never happened—you always twist things."

At first, you push back. You know what you heard. You know what you saw.

But after a while? You start second-guessing yourself. Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe your memory is off. Maybe you are the problem.

That’s gaslighting. It makes you doubt your own reality until you stop trusting yourself altogether.

2. The Love-Bombing and Devaluation Cycle

At first, they make you feel like the most special person in the world. The constant texts. The compliments. The way they see you. The way they make you feel chosen.

And then, slowly, it changes. The warmth fades. The compliments turn into subtle digs. They compare you to an ex. They critique your choices. They get irritated by things they once adored about you.

You start chasing that initial connection, convinced if you just do things right, they’ll treat you that way again.

Spoiler: They won’t. This cycle isn’t about love. It’s about control.

3. Guilt-Tripping That Keeps You Walking on Eggshells

They know exactly how to turn the tables. If you call them out or express hurt, suddenly you’re the one who’s at fault.

"After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?"

"I guess I’m just a terrible person then, huh?"

"Fine. Do whatever you want. Just know I wouldn’t do this to you."

And just like that, you’re backtracking. Apologizing. Making them feel better, even though they’re the one who hurt you.

4. Exploitation and Control

Narcissists see others as tools to fulfill their desires and will manipulate situations to benefit themselves.

Here’s an example: They take credit for your achievements or use your vulnerabilities against you. The result? You feel drained, used, and powerless.

5. Silent Treatment as Punishment

Withholding communication as a form of punishment is a common tactic in narcissistic abuse.

They don’t like what you said, so they shut down. Ignore your calls. Stop responding. Maybe they even disappear for days.

And you sit there, stomach in knots, desperate to fix it.

But real love doesn’t use silence as a weapon. If someone truly loves you, they won’t disappear just to make you suffer.

6. Triangulation to Create Jealousy and Insecurity

Narcissists will often involve third parties to create jealousy, insecurity, or competition. They may bring others into conflicts or compare you to an ex, telling you how someone else would have handled things “better.” 

This leaves you feeling inadequate, like you constantly have to prove your worth.

7. Projection: Blaming You for Their Own Behavior

Projection is when they accuse you of the very things they are doing. For instance, calling you controlling or manipulative when they are the ones dictating every aspect of your life.

The accusation makes you feel confused and defensive, and you may start blaming yourself.

8. Hoovering

After a breakup or separation, narcissists may try to draw you back into the relationship with false promises, apologies, or grand gestures.

"I can’t live without you."

"I see what I did wrong. Just one more chance."

"I’m not that person anymore. I’ve changed."

It’s tempting to believe them. You want to stay hopefu. But if nothing truly changes, it’s just another loop in the cycle of abuse.

9. Isolation

They make you feel like they are the only person you can truly rely on.

Maybe they subtly criticize your friends. Drop little comments about your family. Or create conflicts that drive wedges between you and others.

Why? Because isolation makes you easier to control.

10. Unpredictable Behavior

One day, they’re loving. The next, they’re cold or even cruel. There’s no warning.

The mood swings and erratic actions keep you on edge. You’re constantly anxious, trying to “keep the peace,” afraid of triggering negative reactions.

How Narcissistic Abuse Impacts Victims

The effects of narcissistic abuse go far beyond the relationship itself. Survivors often face:

• Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and manipulation erode self-worth.

• Anxiety and Depression: The emotional rollercoaster takes a toll and can lead to ongoing emotional distress.

• C-PTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is common in survivors of narcissistic abuse.

• Trust Issues: Victims may struggle to trust themselves or others after enduring gaslighting and manipulation.
  

  What To Do If You Recognize These Signs

If you’re reading this and feeling a pit in your stomach, you’re not alone. That feeling? That quiet voice inside you saying this sounds too familiar? That’s your intuition. And it’s worth listening to.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming yourself. But what comes next? How do you start untangling yourself from the confusion, the self-doubt, and the weight of it all?

Here are some steps to help you move forward—at your own pace, in your own way.

1. Educate Yourself: It’s easy to minimize what you’ve been through, to tell yourself maybe it wasn’t that bad. But learning about narcissistic abuse can be a game-changer. It helps you see things for what they really are—and more importantly, it reminds you that this was never your fault

2. Set Boundaries—And Actually Stick to Them: Boundaries are how you protect your energy, your peace, and your emotional well-being. They don’t have to be loud or dramatic. Sometimes, they sound like:

1. I’m not discussing this with you.

2. That doesn’t work for me.

3. I don’t have to justify my decisions.

4. No. (A full sentence. No explanation needed.)

3. Seek Support: Abuse isolates. That’s part of its design. But healing happens in connection. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist who truly gets it—let someone in. You deserve to be supported.

4. Consider an Exit Plan: Leaving isn’t always as easy as just walking away—especially when emotions, history, or even logistics are involved. But if nothing is changing, and if you feel trapped or unsafe, start making a plan. Even if it’s just thinking about what leaving could look like. Your safety—physical, emotional, mental—matters. You matter.

5. Focus on Self-Care: When you’ve been in survival mode for so long, self-care can feel unfamiliar, even selfish. But it’s not. It’s essential. Maybe it’s journaling. Maybe it’s taking a walk. Maybe it’s sitting in silence for five minutes and just breathing. Do the things that remind you that you exist outside of their control.

6. Join Support Groups: You are not the only one who has been through this. Support groups—whether in-person or online—can remind you that you’re not crazy, you’re not overreacting, and you’re not alone. There’s comfort in hearing someone say, Me too. I see you. I understand.

You Are Not Alone

Narcissistic abuse thrives in confusion and self-doubt. But the more you understand it, the less power it has over you.

The fact that you’re here, reading this, means you are already on your way to reclaiming your sense of self. You will heal. You will reclaim yourself. And one day, this won’t just be something you survived—it will be something you rose from.

And listen, I know it might not feel like it yet, but you are strong enough to heal from this. Strong enough to break free. Strong enough to rebuild a life where you get to decide what love and safety look like.

You will get through this. And you don’t have to do it alone. 💛

Need more support? Download my free somatic journal to start reconnecting with yourself after narcissistic abuse.